pornstar industries

act two, chapter two: i am.. an addict

2011-03-31T20:19:00.003+08:00

hi,

my name is reef wilkins marley..

and i am an addict..

there..

ive said it

and NOTHING has changed..

this opening up to public thing is shit!!

but it is true..

i am an addict..

no im not a druggie

im not an alcoholic

i dont even like the taste of alcohol let alone that it is a sin..

shame on you if you a muslim and still have the audacity to drink!!

i smoke, yeah.. sue me!!

i do too much of "people watching" for my own good..

but hey, inspiration comes best when it comes in the form of your mistakes.. not mine..

i didnt tell you to dress like that..

or to have a face that resembles a horse..

wise man said: a fool learns from his own mistake, a genius from another's.. forget those who dont learn at all..

but what is really disturbing (to others, i dont give a damn really)..

is that i am addicted to series..

a-hell-lot of series..

i can go nuts if an episode gets postponed..

or delayed..

id freak!!

id feel like a whole week of wait has been wasted!!

yeahh.. sure id just go watch sumthing else..

but i didnt get to watch what i wanted to..

what i really, REALLY wanted to..

i alwaes get these thoughts that, if i die before next week..

i wont get to noe what happens next..

how it all ends..

its soo bad that i fear that most about death..

dear god!!

please dont take me before i find out what happens in the next episode..

PLEASE!!

hi,

my name is reef wilkins marley

i am an addict

AND LOVING IT!!

later,

act two, chapter one: the bitter truth

2011-02-24T17:06:00.005+08:00

lady: invite me for dinner..

man: what??

man: would you like to have dinner??

lady: women dont like questions..

man: join me for dinner.

lady: too demanding..

man: join me for dinner??

lady: yet another question..

man: *thinks*

man: im having dinner, if you'd care to join me

brilliant huh??

lets get to it then..

baby its been awhile!!

i noe i said id come back sooner..

but hey!! its me, you noe??

im alwaes late.. but id never make you wait..

heh..

ive soo missed you..

actually a couple of times i thought of coming back..

to lie in the folds of your familiar arms..

to complain and brag and pretend that the world is mine again..

pretend that people actually care enough to actually still take five minutes off their busy schedule doing nothing productive to actually "listen"..

but hey..

i guess its time..

ive held my peace long enough..

dear bitch,

yes this goes out to you..

im not honoring you by taking time to write about you as if you are all that..

im doing this for me..

so dont get all "im all that" on me ayite..

what can i sae..

if youre it, youre it..

you noe??

i try time and again to see you in a different light..

with eyes untainted by social perception..

unheard of gossip and hate-speech..

but damn!!

you just had to go get in my face again..

cant you just leave quietly.. tail between legs..

i mean, seriously..

you ass has been handed to you the last time..

and you still have the nerve to show that snotty nose of yours..

claiming to still be on top when it is soo clear that you cant take the view..

please..

just please..

enough with the arrogance..

before all this you were just a chewed piece of clot..

without any bones..

used, spit out..

lifted, only then to be thrown..

and before even that you were just unknown..

yet now..

now you have the damn arrogance to claim that you made it on your own??

applause for the ones who got sold out..

for they too had it coming..

for thinking they could get a monkey to do their bidding..

for thinking that they could churn you into a pot of gold..

inflate their egos and accomplish personal agenda..

maybe birds of a feather, do flock together..

enough with the arrogance..

this is not sumthing for you to sae,

hey, come and try to fill my shoes, i'll just be out and on my wae..

dont you realize this isnt even yours to be given away??

the arrogance..

we cant all be winners

but hey.. we improve anywae..

who's to sae we aint good..

cause though we got knocked down..

only you got washed away..

dont pretend like it is your decision to leave..

cause we all know you cant afford to stay..

later,

chapter one hundred and fourteen: the fight to flight

2010-08-06T20:50:00.003+08:00

i wish i could fly..

like superman without the cape and extended arm..
more like nathan petrelli in heroes..
or neo in the matrix..
maybe like angel in the x-men..
but, especially like eminem in his video not afraid..

ive had this childhood dream of flying..
now i want it more than ever..

its more than to just get sumwhere..
no.. its not like that..
i want to feel the wind in my lungs..
beating against my face..
whipping through my hair..
the ecstasy..

perhaps..
it is just one way i feel
that i can get away from it all..
everything..
everyone..
just to get away..
even if its just for awhile..
just to fly..

there is just one thing though..
im almost certain that if i do fly..
while shooting for the moon..
id be too caught up looking at the stars,
that id come crashing down..

wouldnt it be nice..

chapter one hundred and thirteen: life is good.. i'd like to think

2010-07-31T02:50:00.004+08:00

live while im alive..
nothing wrong by that now is there??
so hop on the fun-vee..

ouhh??

you dont want to??

oh well..
i guess the world would still spin on its axis with out you..

life is only but awhile..
and while i must stress that it is only right to do good deeds..
it is also just to have fun while doing it..

if you cant have fun by yourself..
cant adapt to the people around you..
then perhaps, you are just no fun..

step out of your comfort zone this time round..
maybe then you'd not be soo far up your ass..
maybe then id consider being around you..

im not diss-ing anyone..
you deserve to be where you are..
say your piece..
and have your glory as much as the next person..
heck..
as much as i if you will..

but i just dont like this vibe..
your vibe..
i dont like it..
id not want to ruin my dae by letting you get to me..
so back off..

accept your fate..
or be destroyed by it..
that, friend, is your call..

life is only but awhile..
take everything..
but give nothing back..

chapter one hundred and twelve: did i get you wrong??

2010-06-29T22:32:00.005+08:00

dont you just hate it when people suck at grammar??

well i suck at spelling.. let me admit that..

but sucking at grammar and not realizing it..

jesus..

that just takes the cake..

ouhouh..

i just thought of sumthing worse..

sucking at grammar, not realizing it.. AND!! talking about things as if you're soo dang smart..

phew!!

you got to hand it to them though..

A for confidence..

F for actually getting your message across..

chapter one hundred and eleven: the upside

2010-06-09T00:08:00.002+08:00

im not here to help you celebrate..
im here..
to help you live..

chapter one hundred and ten: epic proportions

2010-06-05T00:28:00.001+08:00

fuck all this shit..
i dont give a damn anymore..
fuck off
fuck you

chapter one hundred and nine: flowers for the dead

2010-05-03T22:38:00.003+08:00

hey..

its been two years..

nothing's changed..

i still miss you..

i love you.

happy belated birthdae...

chapter one hundred and eight: just.. perfect

2010-04-16T03:39:00.006+08:00

Smooth-Talker-Mother-Fucker: baby.. i hope tonight was one of the best nights of your life

Hopeless-Lovesick-Girl-Whom-He-Cant-Remember-What-Her-Name-Was: ooh baby!! yes it was.. thank you!!

Smooth-Talker-Mother-Fucker: *disgusting smirk* baby.. (dramatic pause) i just wanted tonight to be perfect for you.. for us..

Hopeless-Lovesick-Girl-Whom-He-Cant-Remember-What-Her-Name-Was: *squeals* (eyes welled up with tears of joy) ooh!! it was baby.. it was!! you were perfect..

AND CUT!!

jesus!!

all this bullshit and drama..

like.. what the fuck right??

yet we see it all the time dont we??

girls falling for the same guy that goes around ditching ever other girl before..

but hey..

are the girls to be blamed here??

i mean..

its not like they intentionally fall for jerks like us ehh fellas??

*snicker*

but seriously now..

i think its THOSE jerks who are the ones we should really be thinking about here..

its as though they have honed their skills yo..

seriously..

they are damned skilled at picking up girls..

who actually worth nothing at all..

jesus!!

come on..

who are you trying to kid..

a girl worth having is one worth keeping..

if your just gonna bump and ditch her..

i rekon, many others can say..

been there.. done that..

but i do beg your pardon miss..

i dont mean no disrespect to women..

all women..

i mean..

yo.. if you aint a cheap whore, you aint gotta feel offended now..

cause this here aint talking about you..

im here to reach out to those..

how shall i say..

players?? is that the right word??

yes..

players..

seriously..

you dont have to brag about how many girls you've tapped thus far..

it wont do you much good anyhow..

what kind of straight edge worthy girl would want a guy like you??

ouhouh..

ps..

good luck when your dick drops off..

god noes what you could have picked up from all your..

uhh..

"prize"??

nownow..

will you look at that..

i have again strayed

from what i wanted to say..

pardon my tardiness..

here's the thing..

why is it..

that in our world todae..

we aim for nothing short of perfection??

do we really noe what that word means??

to attain perfection??

oh god..

that word alone feels too full in my mouth..

look..

im not the kind of guy that will settle with enough..

honestly im not..

i would milk the cow for all its worth..

but thats just it..

is it worth it??

and as far as i noe..

nothing in this world..

this physical world..

deserves a need for perfection..

or for us to be perfect in, for that matter..

perfect..

what does the word mean??

like reallyREALLY mean..

i'll tell you what it means..

one word..

BORING

think about it yo..

if life is perfect..

there would be nothing for us to actually do..

no dos..

no wants..

no needs..

NOTHING

what kinda life would that be??

while its sweet..

that you would want something to be perfect for someone else..

someone special..

yo..

what's sweet is that you tried soo damn hard brother..

here's a shout out to those who think..

they are already perfect..

go bust your head on a wall..

chapter one hundred and seven: colour me up

2010-04-11T02:53:00.006+08:00

i have decided..
when i do my hair next,
im gonna colour it PURPLE..

not the whole head, mind you..
just a portion of it..

like her..

footnote: i would have uploaded a better picture.. but those are the ones where her boobs are in plain sight.. cant have any of those out here can we now?? im valguar but not perverted.. 'sides. there might be kids watching..

chapter one hundred and six: the fires within

2010-04-03T00:39:00.002+08:00

why do we think soo much about the people we hate?? all we want is to talk about them.. and when we are not.. all we want to hear is someone else talking about these assholes just soo that we can talk about them too..

chapter one hundred and five: they weren't in our way

2010-03-26T04:18:00.005+08:00

a fight that leaves you with only pity

only brings pain..

chapter one hundred and four: questions without answers

2010-03-25T04:04:00.005+08:00

there are times in life when you go by thinking nothing bad will ever happen
then there are the times when you noe, without a shadow of doubt.. that things are doomed to fail

sumtimes..
i feel life is like this...

its just so damn sad that it has to inevitably end
but..
how do you want it to end??

i noe that not all fairytales end with a happily ever after..
and that in love and life alike, is not alwaes rainbows and butterflies..

is the cost of happiness too high a price for me to afford??
why do we chase that which is elusive and imaginative??
why all the gimmic??

on the real yo..
nothing lasts forever.. not even death..

chapter one hundred and three: summer holidaes

2010-03-15T01:28:00.004+08:00

dear summer,
this comes abit late..
im sorry for not posting on time..

but hey..
better late than never right??

happy 16th!!
may the year finally be good to you from here on out..

illy

chapter one hundred and two: mic check one-two one-two

2010-03-08T17:38:00.005+08:00

i am only a fighter
in the form of a writer
in the form of a poet
potency in the mic..

lord i'm so focused more focused than I ever been
so slightly passed em, like the letter "n"..

chapter one hundred and one: outsider

2010-03-03T15:19:00.002+08:00

ther is nothing wrong in being a crow

rather than being a caged bird that has forgotten how to fly

im fine being a crow

an outcast

chapter one hundred: return of the emo kid

2010-02-25T23:24:00.005+08:00

things i do when im depressed

1. cut myself

though i dont do it anymore.. id sae this was the best outlet i had..
flowing blood.. my blood.. gave me a grip on spinning the world.. my world..

2. take long walks

i still love taking walks.. id walk all the wae around.. id walk from home to the beach if i could..
i like walking at nite.. cause there are stars in the sky.. i love stars..

3. bake

ahh.. my favourite.. though i cant stand eating even a single slice.. baking it is a whole different story.. baking requires attention.. it helps to be distracted from life once a while..

chapter ninety nine: word game

2010-02-16T23:36:00.004+08:00

hi..

words i use everydae (well almost everydae)

A - anuh (as in, mane nak anuh)

B - buto!! (as in, when i wanna call you)

C - cheebye!! (as in, when i call and you don't listen)

D - don't (as in, really yo.. DON'T)

E - eee (as in, eee palapuki!!)

F - fuck!! (as in, let's face it, this is the best word ever made)

G - get (as in, get out of my face!! you flying fucked up fuck)

H - hell (as in, hell if i knew yo!!)

I - i (as in, illy)

J - jyeah!! (as in, jyeah!!)

K - kimak!! (as in, when you piss me off)

L - love (as in, you)

M - mak (as in, mak kau peh longkang!!)

N - no!! (as in, when i make you say please)

O - ouh (as in, when i pretend that i understand)

P - pfft!! (as in, when you fail to amuse me)

Q - queen (as in, of my heart)

R - right-on!! (as in, when you catch my drift)

S - sucker!! (as in, the first thing i think of when i look at you)

T - true (as in, when i agree)

U - urm (as in, when i dont really noe what to sae)

V - very (as in, very)

W - wow!! (as in, whoa!! i didnt see that coming)

X - (who the hell uses x words?? seriously..)

Y - yo!! (as in, when i wanna sae hi)

Z - zoom (as in, it was that fast yo)

chapter ninety eight: till death do us part??

2010-02-16T02:33:00.002+08:00

if my life were water
you could see me quickly running dry

if my life were sand
you could see me blown all over

if my life were time
you could see my hours stretched into seconds

if my life were to be without you
damn girl
that wont be much left of me to see

maybe i have grown dependent on you..
maybe i take you for granted..
maybe i am bad for you..
but i dont care..
i love you and i want to make you all mine..
no one should be able to ever take you away from me
i wont let them anyhow..

chapter ninety seven: whats true is true

2010-02-07T23:55:00.003+08:00

hi..

im not the best there is
im far from perfect
and i am great when i am good
but can you take me when im not??

im sorry i made a bad week worse..

im insensitive
i know..
and i am sorry..

but sorry wont cut it all the time will it??

i dunno,
maybe im just not good enough..

chapter ninety six: i love nuggets

2010-02-02T19:15:00.002+08:00

i love nuggets.. period

chapter ninety five: the truth about boys and girls

2010-01-29T01:05:00.006+08:00

Girls don't like boys,
Girls like cars and money..
Boys will laugh at girls when they're not funny..

its a matter of through analysis and personal opinion.. its that simple.. really..

this has been playing around in my head for quite sometime actually..
maybe this is the right time to put my thoughts into words..

like what i have to sae?? do read and deliberate, dont argue.. cause i dont really need your opinion.. this is the wae i see things.. for now at least...

hate me?? just read anywae, now that you are already here.. even if it gives you one more reason to hate me.. i dont really care.. either wae.. id still be heard and i would have wasted a part of your dae!!

ready??

EXTRACT: because chances are, she needs another broken heart like you need a hole in your head.

TRANSLATION: boys are assholes, girls are vengeful

footnote: frin, i dont mean to diss you.. i just felt like it proves my point.. somewhat..
i mean you no disrespect..

i'll be nice and start this right..

im a guy.. yet i dont think we are the ultimately superior to girls in everything..
yes we are granted brute and leadership roles, but when time calls for it..
this "advantage" of ours will be rendered useless when the task at hand requires sensitive finesse and deligent unwaiveing patience..

girls.. traditionally gentle and demure.. easy to please yet quick to offend.. but on the flipside they have a huge forgiving heart.. often mistaken as a sign of weakness.. they are tested and exploited time and again.. but be warned.. hell hath no fury like the scorn of a woman..

case in point

are guys assholes??

sadly.. yes..
all guys ARE assholes
in one wae or another,
every guy is an asshole in his own right..

are all guys really the same??

again.. yes..
if you are that big of an idiot to keep falling for the same kind of guy..

boys arent all generically the same..
i mean.. yes we all have two heads and more often than not..
we prefer to let the smaller one do all the thinking.. (yes go on ahead, sae im disgusting but whats true is true)
but apart from that one thing..
we are not all alike.. (i sure like to think not)

boys, more of like..
falls into categories...
there is the bonified jackass
and the mister nice guy..
(keep in mind that we are assholes nontheless)

the jackass..
well..
believe it or not
girls in general actually find it easier to fall for these guys..
the slicker-than-grease-born-handsome-smooth-talker-motherfuckers..
why??
because these guys know how to swoon a girl off her feet where she stands..
they know that they can make girls melt..
so they capitalize and take full advantage...
right on!!

can you blame them??
any one with a brain will take what hes got and cash it in..
nobody wants to play poker and not get a dime out of it..
right??

but ladies and gentlemen..
what brings tears to the eyes,
is that these seemingly helpless girls..
are the ones who got themselves into their perils..

they know that these guys are not worth the sweet words leaking from their honey lips..
they bloody hell know it for a fact..
that these guys will just end up hurting them..
yet they dive head first after them..

why, you might ask??
because to a girl..
if im with him..
id be the talk of town
and all my girlfriends will be soo jealous..
or..
look!! i got him.. he belongs to me.. that proves im better than you can ever dream..

right now another song comes to mind..

Tell me what's the reason that you hold on
When you know that dude
Has a whole wall of them just like you..

is any singular party to shoulder all the blame??

but what about mr right??
girls question the world..
why are the good ones either taken, gay or broke??
in truth..
everyone likes a bad boy..
who wants to end up with mommy's boy??
any takers??

are girls are vengeful??

this is a given..
i wont sugar coat my answer..
its a flat out..
yes..
period

girls forgive.. but they never forget.. be it months even years later..
they will remember how you have scratched and ripped their open heart..
but how can they not??
after years of experience..
meeting jerk after jerk after jerk...

girls never fight fair..
girls can gossip all day long..
and turn a "i think" into hard facts..
and no.. im not exagerating...

girls can be nice and pretend to love each other..
when in fact they hate the very idea that they even share the same air..
but when a common enemy comes..
they will present a united front to crush the outsider..
but still hate each other inside..

when treated well..
she will be the wind in our sail
when scorned..
she will be the storm that swallows you whole and spit you back out without so much as a paddle..

be warned boys..

FOOD FOR THOUGHT: a man will alwaes be the head of a house.. but the women is the neck and can turn the head to the wae she wants it to.. but without a head itself, what good is a stubby neck??

chapter ninety four: instinct??

2010-01-27T00:50:00.003+08:00

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of which has caught my eye
And roped me in
So mesmerizing,
So hypnotizing
I am captivated

shit happens.. all the time..

ok..
this one will be tad personal
its based on my experience
ready??

instinct
everyone has it..
young and old..
that strange feeling you get in your guts
when you feel like something will go wrong..

maybe it is a mode of self defence that god has given us..
maybe it is another self-fulfilling prophecy..
maybe it is a bit of both..

i dont have the answer..

all i do noe is..
its there...

every year
round the time my birthdae comes..
something bad alwaes happens..
if not before..
then sometime after..
but it will happen..

this year..
i sized myself for it..
last week..
the feelings start..
something bad is about to go down..

yesterdae
i got knocked by a cab

chapter ninety three: a dedication to Faizah

2010-01-22T00:35:00.004+08:00

oh happy day!!

ohh happy dayyyy...

ladies and gentlemen

this is a happy HAPPY day

this is the first of its kind in fact..

our first birthdae as vehtan!! (or is it spelt vetan?? i have to check)

woohoo!!

feel the love y'all feel the love..

okok..

lets get down to it..

this goes out to you..

happy birthdae yo..

i noe i've already wished you at midnight (while you were sleeping)

i thought id do this as well..

though we have only just known each other..

i really treasure our friendship..

you are a good griend..

(especially for taking care of summer, i appericiate that alot)

any wae..

yeah..

happy birthdae..

i hope we can have more birthdaes to come..

and celebrate the birthdaes of others as the year rolls by..

HAPPY BIRTHDAE!! MAY TODAE BE THE BEST DAE OF THE GREAT YEAR AHEAD FOR YOU!!

chapter ninety two: these days

2010-01-18T01:59:00.003+08:00

i hate mondays - because its the start of another long week
i hate tuesdays - because yesterday was a long long day
i hate wednesdays - because im still not halfway through
i hate thursdays - because after all that trouble i still have half a ways to go
i hate fridays - because it takes too long to get to the end of the day
i hate saturdays - because it alwaes seem to end too quickly, when you're just starting to have fun
i hate sundays - because tomorrow would be a monday

chapter ninety one: why can't we be friends??

2010-01-17T04:54:00.005+08:00

oh baby you
you got what i need
but you say im just a friend
but you say im just a friend
cause i can be your, fantasy
but you say im just a friend
but you say im just a friend

im out yo!!
go on without me
im not worth it...
NOT!!

lets do thought-speak again
topic of (my) choice: FRIENDS

FRIEND: a person attached to another by feelings or affection or personal regard.
origin: to love

ok..
so now we all noe what a friend is..
on to more pressing questions..

WHO is your friend??

have you ever wondered??
or am i the only one who thinks about these questions?? (i hope not)

so you might come up to sae,
hey!! lets not ask these questions..
cause we cant control who likes (our friends) and who hates (enemies, of course) us..
why bother about things that we have no control over??
right.. i agree..

let me put this the other wae around then..

are you a friend?? (not necessarily to me)

how much are you willing to give to a friend??
what are you gonna do when he gets into shit??
what if its because of you he is in shit in the first place and you get away with it clean??
how long are you willing to listen before you start telling your own stories??
how often have you ratted him out after promising to bring his secrets to the grave??
how much do you really trust your friend to leave yourself bare??
when was the last time you were honest to him??
do you really love him??

how much of a friend are you??

footnote: im using 'him' cause its easier than to keep typing 'him/her' all the time

chapter ninety: the gnaw

2010-01-07T02:03:00.001+08:00

step by step,
heart to heart,
left right left
we all fall down
like toy soldiers
bit by bit
torn apart
we never win,
but the battle wages on
for toy soldiers

why is shit soo messed up??
but i guess everything happens for a reason..

on being random

topic of the dae: the obsession with success

why is the world obsessed with success??
nownow..
dont get me wrong..
im not opposed to being made..
hell, even i strive for excellence

but, my point is..
why are people soo into it that they find small in those who fail??
isnt success measured in the steps you take and not the final outcome??
shouldnt the strength of a man be counted by the number of times he can fall and still get back up??
to stand and fight his own battle??

why are stories told of those who win battles??
and not of those who continue the fight??

im not being sore here..
there is nothing for me to feel sore about in the first place..
(is there??)
im just saying..
you noe..
like we are all washed..
brain-washed..
progammed only to look upon those who already made it..
cant we look left and right..
at those who are still tugging with all their herculean effort to make it to the top of their own world..
arent these the ones who need the support and at the same time can unconsciously give us the same support and drive??

by chasing your own goals
you let others achieve their own..

chapter eighty nine: the spark

2010-01-05T03:20:00.004+08:00

kau terkeluar
OUT!! OUT!!
macam pluto..

translation:
you're left out
OUT!! OUT!!
like pluto..

man..
i hate that im whining all the time when i blog..
but shit seems the only story people wanna read these daes...

but hell..
listen..
this aint about your reading pleasures..
its about me speaking..
saying what i want cause i want to..

so shut up and listen (or "read" if you're particular about that kinda shit)

ive been reading this book..
its about people who succeed in life..
like they make it big
not necessarily in cash terms..
but like, generally successful in life..
you noe??

like you heard about how people alwaes sae
they got from nothin' to sumthin'
self-made man and all..

you believe that shit??

no..
no one can (ever) sae
that they got to where they are on their own..
hell no..

we are born to be socially active..
we interact..
action-reaction
you noe??

people who are great..
achievers, you call them..
got to where they are because of their surroundings...
its the people around them that escalated their stature

by your own hard work, my ass!!

be thankful yo..

love and thank the people around you..
all of them..
the good and the bad..
the happy and sad..
all of them

they made you who you are

be proud, yes, by all means..
enjoy your moment in the sun..

but remember where you came from,
your roots..
the ground you tread upon..
the people who let you grow
the ones who didnt cut you down
even the ones who overlooked you while you grew..

be it by chance or fate
we are who we are because of the people around us
there is no avoiding it..

as you go on with your daily lives
remember that while others are affecting you..
you are influencing them just as much on the flipside

if one person tries to make the world a better place..
and if the world would just listen..
maybe, the world will be a better place..

lets love and give thanks
put your chins to the sky but eyes, surely on the ground..

chapter eighty eight: on the rebound

2009-12-23T02:16:00.004+08:00

sit back, hommie relax
in fact, grab a six-pack
kick back while i KICK FAGS..

ok..

jesus!!

where do i begin..

hmm..
i guess i'd start by saying that it feels good to be back..
no matter where you go, or where you've been..
there really is no place like home
cause home is where summer is
and summer is where the heart is..
(corny to you?? bite me)

so sea games was messed up for me
i dunno, maybe i just wasnt part of the grand scheme of things this time round..
or maybe i was??
just on the sacrificial platter this time..
like i said..
i dunno
and i dont intend to dwell on shit too long..

moving on

VT and SEHSAN

its good to see you..
real good..
ive missed you
and im still amazed how our family has expanded soo..
uhh.. exponentially??
i love yous'...

pressing matters

DEAR SCUM

thats it
this has been going on for too long
at first it was amusing
now its just plain frustrating
not to mention annoying
alright cock bangers
i didnt wanna start shit with you soccer kids..
but you are starting to force my hand..
i dunno why you feel like you got beef with me
cause i dont really noe who the fuck you really are
how many of you there are
and quite frankly i dont give a fuck..
if you gonna bring it then bring it..
dont play tough on video
amongst yourselves..
just step up quickly so we can end this..
or i can end it..
either wae..
i dont give a fuck..
im tired of listening about what you wanna do..
cause i have yet to see you DO anything..
so please..
from me to you boys..
from the bottom of my heart..
provoke me..
all of you who wants a crack at it..
feel free..

chapter eighty seven: the real big deal

2009-12-05T12:32:00.002+08:00

before i leave..

(good god!! why does this sound soo pathetic.. i mean... why do i sound soo pathetic)

jesus!!
fuck this shit..

i'd be missing "people" while im gone..
i mean..
away..
yah..

cayenne
you are alwaes my number one..
i love you..
please..
dont get into trouble..
it pains me, a great deal..
i'll be expecting stories (alot of them) when i return kayy??
love you..

summer
=)..
i love you..
for reasons you know and for those you don't..
keep your head ayite??
this is the last (for the year).. i promise..
andand id be expecting alot of stories from you (more things to tell, than everybody put together)..
=)..
love you..

frin,qid,insyirah
hey..
ive missed you three..
=)..
even before i leave..
i hope we can hang again soon??
love y'all..

naya,aisyah
thank you for all the support and love over these years..
you have gotten me through some of the toughest times thus far..
i owe much to you and your love..
i miss you..
and i noe i sae this all the time (and fail to commit, all the time) but i hope we can meet up one dae and just be with the other..
love you.. much..

smoovie,stranger,pernicious,deadfamous,atul,apit..
yoo.. waddup!!
friends..
brothers..
totally..
pray for me yeah??
this is the big one..
biggest thus far..
one day, i hope all of us (except atul and apit, cause you're like.. not in this shit.. but i love you the same) be fighting the same fight..
i hope the dae come soon..
im bored shitless without you boys..
save me ayite??
love y'all

i dedicate this..
to all my friends (except cayenne, she's more than.. family.. like she is a living part of me)
thank you for all the support..
and i hope you loves.. would continue praying for me..
thank you..

i love you..
all of you..

(to those i did not mention specifically.. i noe this sounds generic.. but.. noe that i think of you too.. (from time to time).. for all you have thought me.. in shaping me as a person.. thank you all..
and i hope everyone who reads this.. or hears word of this.. please.. pray fo me.. for my safe passage.. for my victory.. please.. thank you.. i love you.. much)

chapter eighty six: here and there

2009-11-19T21:32:00.003+08:00

ever had the feeling you are neither here nor there??

llllllllllllllllaadiesss and gentlemennnnnnnnnn!!

in the red corner, weighing in at the stake of your future...
HIGHER EDUCATION!!

and his opponent, in the blue corner, weighing in at realizing your dreams and goals...
SILAT!!

damn..

why cant i win them all..
i cant take this shit..

oh well..
zindegi meigzara...

guess the class-training-class routine will stick..

chapter eighty five: this is it

2009-11-10T00:35:00.003+08:00

have you watched
This Is It

well you should..

it was great..

but dont take my word for it..
watch it for yourself and decide..

the coming daes will be cold..
for summer is going away..

chapter eighty four: it aint easy but.. that's ok

2009-11-02T16:11:00.003+08:00

cause im hopeful
yes i am

hopeful for today

take this music and use it
let it take you away

and be hopeful, hopeful
and He’ll make a way
i know it aint easy
but thats okay..

cause im hopeful

alot has happened these past few daes..
i refuse to believe that
everything i did was only to amount to squat..

god alwaes has a plan
alwaes..
because he noes best..

i noe this..
but at times..
its hard to see things his way..

patience...
right??
right...

patience

chapter eighty three: my big secret

2009-10-31T08:54:00.003+08:00

kham-ley-ley-le le le le le le le..

le leiskh..

kham leay lakhs liksh hamlish shaklish le le ley-liesh..

translation:

so you can suck my dick if you don't like my shit

cause i was high when i wrote this

so suck my dick

one cannot love that which he doesn't noe..

all the same..

he cannot hate that which is unknown..

birds of a feather flock together

fools don't differ

idiots go together..

ok..

so i made the last one up..

but it fits..

right??

everyone has their talents and gifts from god almighty

this gift is intended to be used for the benefit of others

thus making the world a better place..

if i tell you mine..

will you trust me??

at least a little??

i am a compulsive liar

wait..

let me put that in a nicer way..

umm..

(thinking)

i am a natural born pretender

but everything is done without malice

i don't lie-slash-pretend to hurt you

i do it so i would protect you..

or maybe just to slow the rate of your crashing world

because slow is smooth

smooth is fast

so slow is fast??

(according to shafiq)

so..

now you know..

will you put your faith in me??

chapter eighty two: call me..

2009-10-26T01:54:00.002+08:00

father thought me to fight my own battles..

mother thought me that if i should ever go down, i should go down fighting..

alright babies..

the time has come

once again for us to measure our growth..

we will.. i believe we will and we can.. yes??

man..

i've had it..

no more games..

i really dislike you soccer boys..

you might be reading this..

i hope you are..

i have no way to contact you..

so this is the only way i noe how..

call me..

i wanna noe why you boys cant stand me soo much..

when i cant even remember your faces..

and i dont even noe over half of you..

so please..

call me..

chapter eighty one: that's soo...

2009-10-14T02:03:00.003+08:00

sumone once said:

you are the songs that summer sings
and the chills that autumn brings

spot on!!
thank you for bringing it to my attention..
i aint perfect..
but im me
all me
100% all natural..

shucks
im soo full of it..

chapter eighty: on nights like this

2009-10-10T01:37:00.003+08:00

waddup cuzz??

yo..
i miss you..

like crazy, you noe??

i miss you soo much it burns my eyes...

i miss you. period.

chapter seventy nine: excerpt

2009-10-06T02:02:00.006+08:00

Every night I rush to my bed

With hopes that maybe I'll get a chance to see you

When I close my eyes I'm going outta my head

Lost in a fairytale

Can you hold my hands and be my guide?

Clouds filled with stars cover your skies

And I hope it rains

You're the perfect lullaby

What kind of dream is this?

I mention you when I say my prayers

I wrap you around all of my thoughts

Boy, you're my temporary high

I wish that when I wake up you're there

To wrap your arms around me for real and tell me you'll stay by side

My guilty pleasure I ain't goin nowhere

Baby, as long as you're here

I'll be floating on air cause

You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare

Either way I, don't wanna wake up from you

Sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare

Somebody pinch me, your love's to good to be true

Hi babyyyy I love you and I am so bored and I don't feel like studying and I miss you a lot although we've only met yesterday.

I know this is stupid cause we talk practically every day and sms now and then and meet each other super often but I'm still dropping you an email.

This is my first one to you tau. So please like it and appreciate it. Heeheee.This shows how irritating I am. (Which you already know) ;D

&This also shows how sweet I can be. Or, how bored I am. Hahahaha.

If i walk would you run? (Yes right?)

If i stop would you come? (Duh)

If i say you're the one, would you believe me? (No, you'd say I'm the one. Hahahahah)

If i ask you to stay ,would you show me the way? (Of course cause I'm always lost)

Am i catching up to you

While you're running away, to chase your dreams (Memang uh I'm always chasing after you seh)

It's time for us to face the truth cause we are coming to each other to change

And maybe i'm not ready

If i sing you a song, would you sing along (Singing mode on)

Or wait till i'm gone? (Nope, you'll sing along right? Heeh.)

Ohh how we push and pull (I am always pulling and you're pushing. HAHA)

If i give you my heart ,would you just play the part

Or tell me it's the start of something beautiful? (Sweeeeeeeet siak)

But i'm trying for your love

I can hide up above

I will try for your love

We've been hiding enough

Haha dearest love, thank you for watching Fame with me and thus introducing me to the guy who is now my boyfriend, Asher Book. HAHA JOKING, NO POKING =P

I'm sure you know how awesome you are, and how much you mean to me, and of course, that I love you more than you love me.

Thank you for everything, especially for entering my life,

I cannot imagine how life would be without you now that you're a part of it.

& I will misss you a lot when you go abroad for all your competitionssssss

I hope you do well and win everythinggggg

Insya 'Allah :D

I don't really care who says what about you, or even if the whole world hates the fact that I'm with you,

cause all I know is that I love you alottttttttttt more than you can ever imagine.

(I still can't believe that we're together -.- )

(Haaaahaaa. Shut up and let it go uh Li.)

I hope this made you smile :)

Sorry for being super duper freaking random,

And check out the cool pic yaww.

With (too) much love,

Summerrrrrrrrr

chapter seventy eight: the team

2009-09-23T02:28:00.004+08:00

vietnam!!

here i come baby..

ayite..

first of, id like to confess that i aint all that trilled to be going..

but then again it dont mean im to happy either..

(im leaning more to the former)

lets get down to it now shall we??

ladies.. gentlemen..

this is another public service announcement brought to you in part by pornstar industries

so im going away..

again..

and i would like to dedicate this article

to my new loves...

namely

THE TEAM

though it has only been awhile..

what.. 3 months??

i have grown attached to you girls..

for real..

and i will and must miss you when im away..

when i get back..

we must and will meet ok??
im gonna be mean this time round and say i dont care even if you girls are having your exams then..

we must ok??

cause i'll miss you, alot..

do pray for my safe passage and god willing my victory..

i love you.. much

kidd
im gonna be thinking of your insane, addictive laughter..
and the way you make great jokes about almost everything..

chubbs

definitely your cheeks dear.. too cute..

ouhouh.. lets not forget that smile.. i cant help but give one too..

people say that a smile is contagious.. you are the proof..

sugarsuga

the name's so nice, you say it twice..

now, you noe i'll miss you alot..

your jokes, cracks me up.. all the time..

your smiles and laughter.. id do anything to keep it there..(all the time too)

summer

my sunshine, after the rain..

illy..

the cat, when im being a bitch

the tiger, when im being a pig

im gonna be thinking about you..

beyond what makes you, you

but just be thinking of you..

cause thats how you are best remembered

there aint enough words i can say to describe your traits that has been stitched to my heartstrings

i love you and this i pray to be forever true

chapter seventy seven: the taste of blood

2009-09-20T18:58:00.003+08:00

dearly beloved..
we are gathered here today,
in this hallowed space in my chest and mind..
listen, for i will speak

the old saying goes..
BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER

this so called fact
is known throughout the world
many have sworn by it
some have even made good movies based on such novelty of an idea..

yes
i admit
the world would be a safer, better place if this was in effect at all times of day..
in peace of sleep
more so in hours we keep awake..

but as adam levine says it..
"it's not always rainbows and butterflies.."
-she will be loved

blood is thicker than water..
that's the damned tradition right??

my family..
father..
mother..
mentor..
purpose..

all four of them..

we are not one to keep in toe with traditions and customs...

and this one??
its no different from the rest..

too many a times we have proven this statement
this heartfelt sentiment..
to be OH-SO-VERY FUCKING WRONG..

we have seen it happen so many times..
how outside relations seem to strengthen and nourish our cores..
when those of our linage, seem soo ready to spit us out..
like we were bile in thy mouths..

i do not mean to diss
nor to cuss neigh swear..
but this is just one pill i cannot swallow..

i have gotten sick of seeing the tears in mother's eyes..
yes she may be far from perfect..
but mother is mother..

from where i sit..
she is MY mother..
not your sister
neither your daughter
and NEVER A CHANCE IN FUCKING HELL is she your friend

she is mine..
my gift as i am to her..
to her sons and daughter
to a husband..
she is god's light incarnated..

i dont care what she did..
what she said..
or what she failed to..
i dont give a damn..

what you are doing is wrong..
and that is all i care about..
a single tear from her eyes..
a drop of your blood i will taste..

one day..
you will be sorry..
but by then..
even i..
wont have the satisfaction of saying, "its too late"
for it no longer matters..

blood is thicker than water..
but water can cleanse the mess and filth of blood..

chapter seventy six: the pretender

2009-09-02T11:58:00.003+08:00

im in the mood again todae..
play pretend??
lets go!!

gosh
do you know how much i love LOVE life!!
my friends..
OMG!!
my world wont shine like it does without them..
they help me forget my worries..
my pain and my shortcomings..
for that..
thank you!!

good god!!
i dont noe what i would do without you..
probably more of the hopeless wreck than i already am??
would you say soo??
hahahaha..
but hey!!
lets not worry about all that..
you are here now..
everything will be ok..
right?? (insert huge smiley)

you are alwaes been there for me..
alwaes have been
and i bet you alwaes will be right??

i love you(s)!!
nothing can tear us apart..
come hell or high water
we'd alwaes be together..
(another huge smiley)

*credits roll*

chapter seventy five: subcultural effects

2009-08-21T02:41:00.002+08:00

life in the the world
in our world
is simple
we live simply by routine
it helps us keep track of what we do
and if we fall relative to time

but more often than not
we sigh out loud
saying "it's complicated, you wont understand"

but in real fact
it really is very simple..

it is our fear
the fear of being ridiculed
to be judged
to seem inadequate
that stops us from speaking plainly..

it is only natural to feel this fear..
we all do it
i do..

we judge others
over our own insignificance
when we trample upon the grieving souls of others,
our bestfreinds
our bretheren
our fathers and mothers
we feel superior
stronger
that we (seemingly) we smart enough to avoid the pit falls that the distressed had took..

time and again we choose to take the route set ahead for us by people we do not even acknowledge
we live the dreams of our elders
dreams that they alone could not undertake
for they lived life the way their parents would have wanted
and the vicious cycle goes..

the world today is set on the foundation of destructive yet necessary subcultures
living each day..
religiously by "the way"
to be accepted
to be considered "part of us"
to not be ostracised
alone and dejected..

yet each day
we strive to be an individual
to stand out among the crowd
to have our own voice
but time and again we break our promises of our mornings
we choose to return to "the way"
as it is always easier..

we simply choose to follow a set path
rather than find our own..
because that is what we are taught
what our parents, and their parents before them are thought..
it is the way the world operates..

we want that which isn't ours
but we are so afraid of letting go of what we already own
we want to have new ideas
but refuse to be labeled, a student
to be under the scrunity of one higher person

superior complexion
that is what we aim for isnt it??
to be a cut above the rest..

but why??

poetry in motion: through my eyes

2009-08-14T10:13:00.005+08:00

come on near take a peek
you play hide, i'll play seek
just for your joys i’ll play weak
let’s pretend
we are friends
leave today, happily ever after again

i sit on my bed
crying in my head
i know that thoughts,
manifest to something great
yet why am I feeling all depressed
keep wallowing around of late

i’ve been kicked to the dirt
have I been hurt
nursed my bruises
licked my wounds
jump back to the rhyme,
in sync to the tune
but my mind sidetracked
back on thinking of you

why can’t I just let you go
have you not told me you didn’t want me so
why am I still thinking of you
when in my life I have something new
your name in bold, on a slate
the love we shared has twisted to hate

none on you
all on me
as I held on to our fallen destiny
i crush my heart, just to be free
to rise from the fall of abyss, infinity

come on near take a peek
you play hide, i'll play seek
just for your joys i’ll play weak
let’s pretend
we are friends
leave today, happily ever after again

i'm sick of this lying
always pretending
to fake a smile, always seem that I’m laughing

i don’t need all your words
not the sweet
never when you intend to hurt
cause I am strong all alone
get what I want
want all that I own

i never ask to be special
all I want is to win, to be crowned with a medal
just to make mother proud
to have his name, out of the cloud

why is it so hard for you to see
that all I want, is to be me
get your face out of mine
when you are out of sight, you’re out of mind

come on near take a peek
you play hide, i'll play seek
just for your joys i’ll play weak
let’s pretend
we are friends
leave today, happily ever after again

chapter seventy four: are we really??

2009-08-04T00:47:00.002+08:00

I SWEAR AND CURSE ALOT.. DEAL WITH IT

this world is sick and twisted..
a huge fucking twisted lie..

and we are living in it!!
living it too for christ sake..

if you are too slow to get what im pointing at..

its this..

what does that make us all??

US.. THE FUCKING VERMIN LIVING THIS WRETCHED WAE OF LIFE..

go on take a wild guess..

a stab in the dark if you will..

guessed yet??

we are sick bastards..

really..

WE ARE..

we get kicks from watching other people fall and fail..
we are at our best when we humiliate others..
when we do a deed to edge others out..

why must we live dae to dae..
trying to prove things of little or no substance to others..
is it really important that we are deemed worthy in their eyes??
have wea really stooped that low??

as people sae..

it is the wae of the world..
accept it..

well i sae fuck it..
fuck all this shit..
i dont want it..
i dont want your shit..
or your sympathy..
never in a million years, your wae of life..
if you even call it a life..

you want to "just accept it"
well fucking accept this..

THIS IS MY GOD DAMNED FORSAKEN LIFE
I LIVE IT THE WAE I WANT IT..
EVEN IF GOD FORBID ME FROM THE GATES OF HEAVEN,
ID STILL DO THIS MY WAE..
ITS THE BEST AND ONLY WAE I NOE HOW..
I DONT DONT DO THINGS JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK ITS BAD FOR ME..
I DONT GIVE A DAMN FUCKING FUCK!!
REMEMBER THIS..

ITS MY CHOICE..
AND WHAT YOU THINK DONT MATTER..

FOR GOD SO WILLITH, HE LET ME SO..

(dear god almighty, i beg your guidence and strength for i am weak against my opressors.. though they have nothing on me, they grow relentless.. dear god, only to you i humbly kneel and beg.. dear god, guide me for i believe.. amin)

if im gonna fall on my face
id fall knowing where i go wrong..
not with what you think is right or wrong..

doesnt anyone else think that our subcultural wae of life is wrong??
is there really no one else??

DOESNT MEAN IF YOU ARE OLDER
YOU ARE ALWAES RIGHT..
DOESNT MEAN YOU ARE YOUNGER
YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING..

and one more thing..
(while im venting out my woes..)
it doesnt mean if you talk behind my back..
i wont come round to noe..

a word of caution..
stay away from me least you wannna have a go..
im not saying im that big of a fighter..
but i am not one to back down..
and should i fall..
i shall fall knowing i did my part in weeding you out of the lives of all those around..
in my own wae..
i noe i did my part make everthing better..
because then, everyone will noe..

thats it..
im spent..

.period.

chapter seventy three: pernicious

2009-07-29T21:41:00.005+08:00

alright..

enough!!

it's time for a change..

we bet people must be sick of the previous post by now..

yes??

first and utmost..

pornstar industries would like to apologize for being dormant.

due to an ongoing internal strike at our headquarters,

we were unable to process publications of,

"geng jahat: IN YOUR FACE!!"

we, pornstar industries, are happy to sae

that though our internal affairs are far from over,

we have recovered enough, to resume publications..

so, lets get krunk..

this is another public service announcement

brought to you

in parts

by pornstar industries

now this one

THIS ONE..

you gotta see!!

i can sum up the physical part in two words..

lemme spell it for you..

EYE CANDY

get it??

now he really is the eye candy of the lot

just look at him..

and you'd be quick to agree

if you honestly think otherwise

id sooner chop off my you-know-what..

not my dick wise guy

i mean my chin length hair

jesus!! what a perv..

ok so you guys know my vote on this one..

im all in

flat out

all praises

when it comes to the looks department..

so imma stop here..

ayite??

personally

i love him

and no!!

not that ''sick'' im in love with a dude kinda wae, freaks..

but yeah

i owe him alot

a good listening ear when you need one

and when you really need it..

he will put your head straight

get you thinking right..

the go-to guy..

but above all..

a great-great friend..

all in favour, sae..

"wee-weet-whoo-whoo!!"

and there is one thing that makes him stand out among us all..

come closer so i can let you in on this secret..

but remember..

you got to keep it hush-hush..

comprende?!

the secret:

among us all..

all six of us..

stranger, deadfamous, smoovie, pernicious, larazza and myself, pornstar

he (pernicious) is the only one..

TO HAVE TINY EYES!!

shhhhhh!!

now that you knoe..

keep the secret ok??

share the faith..

but seriously..

tiny as it may be..

he is the keen-est observer ever

and he has excellent analytical skills to match

he'd be the one to tell me what he sees

and what he thinks is going on..

and more often than not

the answers are spot on..

all in all..

my one and only cheermyister..

now, let the credits roll

and we'll leave you with another

visual orgasmic experience

in theaters near you:

PERNICIOUS (not for purchase, privately owned)

chapter seventy two: smoovie

2009-07-05T06:31:00.006+08:00

one of a kind

indeed..

what else would you expect from the loudest extrovert around..

heh'..

now this one really is a little different from all others..

his brain frequency travels at a different level..

the world revolves around him..

as least his own world does..

a self made..

headstrong..

and down right vulgar!!
(insert crooked grin here)

if you cats are in trouble..

he is the one you would want to have around..

as long as you are willing to fight..

he will back your skinny ass up..

but he wont be the one to fight your war for you..

he's just there so that you wont get skinned too badly..

a real workaholic..

and boy will he push your ass along..

dont like it??

drop out faggots!!

ouh..

and one last thing..

ever met a ladies man??

this is one you wont want to miss..

he could, would and probably have sweet talked you off your feet..

and if im right..
(obviously, im never wrong)

he is still on the search and in the game..

ladies,ladies,ladies..

no pushing,scratching or hair tugging now..

all of you are still in the running to be his next priority..

get it??

ouh!! screw the chit chat..

im gonna just give you what you want to see

and shut up now..

ladies..

this is another public visual orgasm experience..

brought to you, in parts, by pornstar industries..

without further ado, i give you..

SMOOVIE (jolly good times guranteed)

chapter seventy one: deadfamous

2009-06-29T22:28:00.005+08:00

life has showered in friends from all walks of life..

they come in all age, size and colours..

there are those you love with all your heart..

those you cant quite stand at times..

and then there are the ones you totally cant stand..

yet you keep them around..

because they are just too fun to be wasted..

just to mock and throw all your snide remarks at..

at the age of 20.. i have still yet to meet the people to be placed in the final cluster..

god must still be on my side then..

but today is not about them..

no.. not at all..

todae is about the people i love..

the ones i cherish..

the ones i hold near and dear to my heart..

ladies and gays..

hold on to your short shorts..

because today..

pornstar inc. proudly brings to you..

one of the most good looking people i know..

f.y.i.

this baby is not taken..

but on the flipside..

he isnt looking to be tied down either..

so dont get your panties in a bunch..

pretty boys just want to have fun!!

WARNING: FOR VISUAL ORGASMIC EXPERIENCE ONLY!!

now..

this kid here..

is what is called a real looker..

clean and fresh..

and an awesome sense of style..

and he can carry himself well..

nownow..

i must caution you..

do not take the smile that is forever plastered across his face for granted..

cause when pushed..

this one will fight back..

it is something you do not want to experience first hand..

play nice..

and you will get in his good books..

on the upside..

he will keep you in his good books soo long as you dont fuss about..

dont bore him with your 99 questions..

he aint interested..

like i said..

just for your viewing pleasure..

and girl, will he make you look good..

feel good too..

for those of you

who cant stand a kid who likes to have fun..

those who need the undying attention of a man..

redirect your eyes somewhere else..

you aint finding him here..

but hey!!

dont take my word for it..

go ahead and dive right in if you think you have what it takes..

to have this gem of a diamond to call your own..

because if you get him..

you aint ever want to lose him..

EVER!!

when it comes to treating a girl right..

i aint seen anyone do it better then him..

he gives you the attention you need..

a great listener..

a skilled conversationist..

a real silver tounged charmer..

and hey..

the good looks definately is a plus point..

but please..

if you are just gonna give him hopes and throw him out later..

lay your filthy hands off him..

cause if he gets into the game..

he would want to play for keeps..

and you would just be breaking him up and wasting his time..

so people..

without further ado..

i bring to you..

one of the best friends i've ever known..

the one and only..

DEADFAMOUS (handle with care, approach with caution)

chapter seventy: stranger

2009-06-19T14:57:00.002+08:00

ladies and gentleman..

this is another public service anouncement

brought to you..

in part by baby v..

now we all noe that friends are love..

yes??

but none is more..

than my hommies..

now that we are done with the novelties..

lets get serious..

now this dude that im gonna shine the spotlight upon..

is loved by many..

everyone will agree that there is no substitute for him..

no one we noe can take his place..

he cracks the jokes..

and sumtimes he is the joke..

but in a good sense..

you dig??

he will make a joke out of everything..

E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G

again..

i have to warn you..

all my friends come with teeth and may bite..

so dont piss him off..

just because he smiles and laughs all the damn time..

dont mean you can step all over him..

jeez..

i think all of them should come with a label on their backs..

WARNING: DO NOT IRRITATE!!

but above all..

whatever you may think or sae..

i love him all the same..

and i will vouch for him when in dire times..

now then..

without further ado..

i give you..

STRANGER (may contain shiny parts)

poetry in motion: my first serenade

2009-06-18T23:55:00.003+08:00

fifty five shades of grey
the colors of my day,
though hard as i pray

watch how i free fall
the head plunge dive,
though i fight to stand tall

a silver of hope
beckons me as at thin air
i frantically grope

you are the reason my skies shine blue
the reason my heart continues to beat
forever i will remain true
for my heart,
it longs for you

chapter sixty nine: cleft chin

2009-06-12T16:53:00.005+08:00

jeez..

im getting an epiphany now..

now i see what life in this fleeting world means..

what it stands for..

what it is worth..

it all adds up to this..

making and keeping good relationships..

numeber one..

family..

number one-point-one..

friends..

in life..

no body should take second place..

everyone should take first priority in life...

together..

we really would live forever..

todae..

i pay tribute..

to a family and at the same time a friend..

get it??

two of the most important things in life..

all rolled into one..

who might this oh-soo-wonderful person be??

well ladies..

hold on to your knickers..

as i bring to you..

the super sexy CLEFT-CHIN wonder..

what a beauty ey??

well..

he is my "son" after all..

rawr!!

chapter sixty eight: sweetstuff

2009-06-11T22:30:00.003+08:00

now as we proceed..

to give you what you need..

lemme see you shake that booty..

go bumpBUMPbump!!

ok soo i have a weakness for girls..

everyone noes that..

yes??

well.. can you blame me??

girls bring flavour that life has to offer..

they add the Y to party..

cause without them..

it would just spell part..

get it??

okok..

lemme just get to it..

im here to dedicate

this post...

to one special girl..

a very special girl in my life..

i love her..

yes i do..

but not in the romantic sense..

mind you..

a very good friend..

the keeper of my secrets..

a natural beauty..

really..

and at such a young age..

you noe you can expect more from this belle..

not your daily damsel is distress..

cause she can kick your sorry asses..

so.. no messing around..

i mean it..

so without further ado..

i give to you..

SWEETSTUFF (batteries not required)

chapter sixty seven: a morning serenade to my baby

2009-06-10T10:11:00.003+08:00

you are my life
you are my baby darling
like the heat from the fire
you are always burning
and each time youre around
my body keeps staling
for your touch
your kisses and your sweet romancing
theres an underside to you
that so many adore
aside from your temper
everything else secure
you know you're good for me, baby
oh that, Im sure
over and over again
i want more

chapter sixty six: buckle up

2009-06-09T01:45:00.002+08:00

buckle my shoe..

random i noe..

but hey..

it keeps life fun..

gosh!!

i need a fucking life..

random.. moments..

so i guess i'll do this..

dawgs and kats..

pornstar industries proudly brings to you..

my first photo entry!!

chapter sixty five: bump and grind

2009-06-08T01:15:00.002+08:00

im tired..
very tired..

but very happy..

in two daes..
i didnt have one emo moment..
not one..
how awesome is that?!

my main agenda for the weekend..
demo..
one on saturdae..
and another on sundae..
at the malay heritage centre..

the demo on the first dae..
well basically that was a waste of time..
we were just filling in the blanks on the stage..
but..
what the heck..
we just went with it..

now the second dae was the bomb yall!!
even if i do sae so myself..
but seriously..
we were dope..
you cats can take my word for it..
hah'!!

hey baby v..
you noe what??
dancing is serious shit...
its wae harder than it looks..
seriously..
like they make it look soo easy..
smooth and effortless..
all the flow and hype..
but we were sweating our asses on the floor..
damn tiring..
but damn fun too..
fun and funny..
i wanna do it again sumtime..
i must..
too cool..

p.s.
my god i love you!!

chapter sixty four: divinity in motion

2009-06-03T23:30:00.004+08:00

for the last time y'all!!

I DONT KNOW!!

i am full of shit..
im a compulsive liar..
ask me a direct question..
or take me off guard..
and the first things to come from my mouth would be lies..

its not like i do it on purpose..
i swear..
i didnt mean to hurt your feelings with what i sae..

its a reflex action..
like a survival mode thing..

i just didnt noe you take to sleep
the things i sae or dont sae to you..

do i really matter that much??
nah..
im just flattering myself..
right??

now where was i..
umm..
ouhouh..

yeah..
so like i said..
i dont noe..
i just fucking dont noe..
i cant decide..
im really on the fence on this..

i cant move left..
nor right..
here or there..

argh!!

im just gonna wing it..
ok??
what is gonna happen..
will happen..
id just wait..
and live in the moment..

keep a smile on my face..
keep my head to the sky..
keeping tears out of my eyes..
unless happiness be the reason that i decide to cry..

i will alwaes love you..
because you are divinity in motion..

chapter sixty three: ripped and choked

2009-06-01T00:03:00.003+08:00

holy mother of god!!
i gotta sae this..
sri ayu is hot laa!!
i mean..

she is awesome on tv..
but in person..
off the charts yo!!

ouh..
thats right..
most of you may not noe sri ayu..
well then do you cats noe annabell francis??
sheik haiqal's wifey??
yes??
no??

ouh nevermind..
just accept the fact that she is damn hot..
done...

ok so todae was kinda a bad dae..
one miss step after another...
oh god..
it was kinda embarassing laaa...
my jeans ripped..
ON STAGE!!
and it was damn hilarious!!
even for me..

thought the dae has been messed up..
it was good..
i have learnt much..
had fun..
and felt dead bored..

without dark..
what is dawn??

chapter sixty two: my boys.. much love

2009-05-31T03:28:00.002+08:00

come here..
closer..
just a little closer..

lemme tell you a secret..
a secret to life..

life is hard!!
it kicks you in the shins when you least expect it..
when you are just about almost satisfied with things at the present..
there is alwaes sumthing..
one thing..
that screams "fuck you" into your face..

dont believe me baby??

just look into my life..
look at the life of my friends..
my true friends..
we suffer the same fate..
enjoy the same triumph..
just us..
together..

till the end boys??
i pray..

haiz..
no matter no matter..
shit alwaes happens..
we'd pull through..
believe..
no use wallowing in things that have spun out of our hands..

we shall all just live..
and continue to be happy..
imagine..
me and you..
and you and me..

all i need..
my boys..
i am happy..
it is enough for me..

larazza
smoovie
cheermyister
kilat
i love you..

chapter sixty one: crawling on two feet

2009-05-29T09:32:00.003+08:00

good god!!
im soo tired..

my feet are killing me..
it aches and begs for rest..

or maybe a..
nice..
slow..
long..
foot massage..
that would do wonders too..

anyone up for it??
come on now..
dont be shy..

i noe you want me..
you noe i want'cha..

ok now the damn song is stuck in my head..
THANKS CAYENNE!!
you are right..
sooner or later the song will rub off..
and it did laa..
now its like embedded in my head..
though i dont quite have a taste for it...

oh damn i think my tutor caught me blogging..
im supposed to be having a test now..
hah!!
screw it..

p.s. im still in love

chapter sixty: shity in the middle of the night

2009-05-26T01:02:00.001+08:00

shit..
i have a flu..

cant concentrate..
much...

must rest..
need rest..

au voir!!

chapter fifty nine: and then there was light

2009-05-23T01:07:00.002+08:00

this week has been a pinch..
crazy..
frustrating..
up the wall maddness..

for starters..
school is shit...
i missed two out of three quizes..
i managed to wrestle out a make up for the one..
im getting a fail for one that i can do well in..
and i have yet to noe for the third..

stupid shits!!
if i could rip your necks off your shoulders..
i would!!
i swear i would..
haiz..

*its okae now..
let it go kid
let it fucking go!!*

promise to self:
do soo well in the next graded paper that this round's would have little significance

up next:
training

good god..
where do i begin..
i have a feeling that bitching about this wont do me much good..
scratch that..
this wont do anyone much good..
you cats dont need to hear the truth..
nor what i have to sae..
id just puncture your pretty little egos..
speaking my mind..
so go on and have your "fun"
go play make believe that the world is yours..
go lie to yourselves that you are better than..
well..
me..
us..
whatever!!
better than us..
okae??
go lie to yourself if it makes you happy..
i can hardly give a shit for now..
but i implore you..
do not..
EVER!!
ever, trip my wire..
because then..
i wont just rock the boat..
id sink it..

get it asswipes??
no??
go figure it out..

ouhouh..
but there is light at the end of the tunnel..
as the week slugged to a close..
god almighty saved me..
he made me so-soo happy..
blessing came in the form of..
2 Grand..
and now im flipped..
in a good wae mind you..
2 large, dawgs..

come on..
you got to feel happy for me..
no??
oh well..

chapter fifty eight: numb

2009-05-21T02:05:00.002+08:00

im getting this flipping out numbness..
AGAIN!!
somebody help me..

i cant feel my fingers..
they are alwaes the first to go..
slowly but surely..
the dead feeling will go up my arms and down my chest..

i hate this feeling..

it gives me a sense that something is wrong..

maybe i have erred..
crossed a line i shouldnt have..
stepped on too many toes..
i dont bloddy hell noe!!

but this..
nothing-ness..
it is driving me insane!!

somebody..
help me!!
i need you..

p.s. _-____-___

chapter fifty seven: to the victor, the spoils

2009-05-19T20:52:00.002+08:00

baby im back!!
ok..
so i admit..
i could have told you sooner..
but i was soo in a "i-can't-be-bothered-kinda-mood"

but hey!!
better late then never right??
right??

riiiightttt...

ok
so the long and short if it is that
sijori is done and over with..
(sijori is the name of a regional competition)
i went in hoping..
praying..
to win two gold medals..
but i got one gold and a silver..
it was a shocker to win the silver actually..

nownow..
hold that thought for a minute..
dont judge me yet..

it was a shocker..
not because i was expecting for a gold..
but because i was expecting to get nothing..
get it??

good..

sijori was..
a huge awakening..
i shall sae..
personally..

i cant elaborate on it..
i dont noe if i should..

i guess all i can sae for now is that..
only time will tell..

till next time..
i will alwaes love you..
no matter what..
or who comes along..
maye one dae you will understand...
i-iv-iii

cahpter fifty six: wisdom from an emo kid

2009-05-05T00:45:00.002+08:00

life is but a dream..
merrily-merrily-merrily, merrily..
life goes down the stream..

so life may not be all peaches and roses..
but it is the only one we got..
so why waste it??

live, dudes and dames!!
do yourself a favour..
get off your ass and smell the crisp air..
soak in the heat of the sun..
and indulge in the flavours of the world around..

life is too short for us to sit and wait for things to happen..
change begins with "me"..
so set out there..
stare the world in its old-wrinkly, beautiful face..
and take them haters down..

only one person must come out top..
and my friends..
that person is you..
this is your universe..
and in your universe..
you are the almighty ruler..

chapter fifty five: testify, before i die

2009-05-04T10:10:00.002+08:00

everyone shut up!!
im getting an epiphany..

life is made to end...
yes??

sad as this may be..
it is the inevitable truth..
the inevitable end..

though i have trained my mind not to think of death as the end..
rather a the mark of a never ending chapter..

life after death..
as ludicrous as it sounds..
i believe in every word of it..
the bonds made in this world must mean for something greater..
something far and beyond our wildest imagination..
i guess only time will tell huh??

ok shit..
im straying out of point..

look people..
all im trying to sae is..
life is too short for it to be lived wallowing in dispair..
to alwaes worry about makng things better..
but doing nothing..
to make the positive change..

waste are the daes not spent with laughter..

for when life is short,
sing the music,
feel the beat,
learn the dance,
spread the heat,
show the love..

chapter fifty four: because...

2009-04-30T00:27:00.001+08:00

i'll keep this short..

im happy!!

wheeee!!

you would understand why..
*grin*

chapter fifty three: tears on a joy-ous dae

2009-04-29T00:16:00.003+08:00

29th april 1989
a dae that would bring me much joy..
a dae when i thanked god for bringing into my life..

a dae i feel could last forever..

or at least i wished it would..

but all good things come to an end..
right??

sad..
but true..

todae i sit and remember the good times we had..
the fun we made..
the troubles we went through..
the sticks we shared..

just everything..
just to remember..

todae..
you would be twenty..

the big TWO-ZERO..

i love you..
rest in peace..
may god be with your soul..
much love..
happy birthdae..

chapter fifty two: just a thought

2009-04-25T14:43:00.003+08:00

QUESTION:

why are people soo self obsessed??

i mean like..
really really REALLLLLLLLYYY sooooo fucking self obsessed..
the only thing we want to talk about is ourselves..

and how our puny problems seem to overshadow the entire world..
PATHETIC

the only time we talk to other people is when they want to talk about us...
tsk tsk..
arent we a sad sad group..

chapter fifty one: goal setting

2009-04-25T14:27:00.002+08:00

this is how life goes..
nothing comes smooth..
but it sure is rich..
hold your ground..
and you may just be a better man..

maybe..

im not making much sense right now..
not to you people anywae..

god my head is soo messed up
i hate that i think too much sumtimes..
and the only wae to stop..
is to constantly be doing sumthing important and urgent..
and as of now..
it has to be going for classes..
and it is wearing me out..
i have never been soo glad to be going to school..

this is the first time that i actually look forward to going..
i still hate the waking up early part though..
that sucks..
alwaes has.. alwaes will..
but it is all worthwhile..
as i tear through hour after hour of lessons..
especially FRENCH class..
whoo!!
i think i will ace in that..

urm..
hey chubbs...
i have soo much i wanna tell you..
i wish i could..
but..
well..
hey!!
i have sumthing for you..
i finished it..
like finally..
i hope you will like it..
i really do..
take care ok??
i miss you..

chapter fifty: what do i do WHAT DO I DO?!

2009-04-20T10:34:00.002+08:00

have you ever wondered..
simply sat/stood/laid/squatted/whatever..
and just wondered??

i bet you are doing it right now..
arent you??
how far have you ever reached??
in your thoughts i mean..

honestly...
i usually end up at the same topic..
no matter where i start from..
i end up with the same questions..

how do happy people become soo..
well happy..
nowNOW..
dont get me wrong..

I AM A HAPPY KID!!
(no dispute, pleaseeeee...)

but how do these..
people..
get to maintain that ever fleeting sense of happiness..
i want that soo-so bad...

a life of happiness..
to live for the moment..
no past fading..
no future impending..
here and now..

jeez..
now that would be a life worth living..

but...
that just contradicts dont it??
how can i be happy..
if i have not a care for the future..
my future..

argh..
IM just A CONFUSED HAPPY KID!!

learn contentment baby..
be satisfied with todae..
but look forward to for the achivements of tomorrow..
and beyond..
dream big dreams..
dont fall to the wayside..
keep your eyes on the prize..

chapter forty nine: hairey-Allah

2009-04-16T14:47:00.003+08:00

time ticks by wthout a care for anything
or anyone..
water flows and engulfs everything crossing its path..
why cant i just be like that??
to not have a care for the outcome..
to just run my course..
my own path..
the one i have set my mind on..

and you are right..
i am as stubborn as a mule..
i have to do everything my wae..
but hey..
i survived twenty years living my life my very own wae..
because i am not afraid to fall..
because i know i can alwaes pick myself up..
or at least i alwaes try to..

how can this be soo wrong..
when everything about it feels very right..
how??
if this pain and hurt comes with loving you..
i would willingly put myself through hell..
for you, a thousand times over..

call me crazy..
maybe i am..
maybe..

chapter forty eight: to chubbs

2009-04-13T16:44:00.004+08:00

how do i sae this..
i want you to noe..
but i dont know how to sae it..

i suck..
i know..
i am mean..
dont know how to show my true feelings..
i am an egoist..
alwaes expecting you to make a move..
when i know fully well that i should be the one to..

and the worst part is..
i know you dont love me like i love you..
but i cant help it..
i love you with all my heart..
chubbs, you are the only one i have ever given my whole heart to..
and i intend to keep it that wae..
i cannot think of anyone other than you..
i dont want to anywae..

i dont know if what i do is right or wrong..
all i know is..
that i do everything thinking what is best for you..

chubbs, i love you..
i hope one dae you could sae that to me too..
i will wait, even if it takes forever..

p.s. i know you hate me calling you chubbs.. but i have to..

chapter forty seven: aja-aja-FIGHTING

2009-04-06T20:02:00.002+08:00

its too bad rite??
i noe it is..
everything comes to an end some time..
and more often than not..
things end sooner rather than later..
baby sis..
you are right..
they just aint worth it..

im picking myself up now..
thank you..
i love you..

sumone once told me..
no matter how hard you try..
people will alwaes hate you..

so to those who hate me right now..
screw you..
screw me..
i dont care enough right now to make the possitive change..
im just going to let things run its course..

lets see what comes out the other end of the tunnel..
aja-aja-fighting..

poetry in motion: love-fairy tale

2009-04-04T23:48:00.003+08:00

happily ever after
a still-frame of endless laughter
the perfect begining to our chapter

the greatest story ever told
will be one of us, yet to unfold
one filled with lies, yet promises irrevocable tales of true
one that begins with three words
one that begins with,
i love you

true love will find us through
a toast to the day when i will have you
when heaven is brought down to earth
cherish my heart, for it is filled with your love

and should our story be cut short
be it by my expiration or by other sort
baby believe me when i say this today
because i am in love with you,
falling in love, everyday

chapter forty seven: friends anyone??

2009-04-04T19:09:00.003+08:00

ok..
so it has been awhile..
getting internet access has proved to be a real task rite now...
not that it matters anywae..

how have you been baby v??
missed me??
im soo sorry for not updating you for soo long..
it aint that i love sally more..
jusyt that she is more private than you are..
you noe??

ok so life has been shit..
wait..
scratch that..
life is good..
close as shit to being awesome..
my social skills is what has been shit lately..
and for that..
i am sorry..
to those affected..
i am sorry..
to those who dont really give a shit..
fuck you..

baby i love you..
but..
like..
how do i tell you??

p.s. id never lie to you

chapter forty six: down boy!!

2009-03-24T18:40:00.003+08:00

jeez..
its been awhile since my last update..
its hard to gain access to the internet now..
the lappy is busted..
thousand apologies to the one affected..

ok soo..
life has been good..
im just afraid now that i'd blow it..
AGAIN..

shut up!!
focus kid..
good thoughts only..
get it?!
good..

okok..
i better cool it..
take things down abit..
dont occupy and hold too hard..
must calm down..
still..
that wont stop me from loving you the same..

jeez..
sumtimes in the nights..
i wish i had you with me..
i just need sumone to hold..
sumone to hold me through the night..
ouhouh..
by the wae..
sumone = you..

p.s. i love you

chapter forty five: juiced

2009-03-10T19:58:00.003+08:00

daes are getting better..
the sun is coming out to play..
i hope it would continue to shine..

much love has been spread..
more will come??
yes??
i think..
i hope..
i pray..

because the juice is worth the squeeze..
how do you squeeze juice??
hah..
its a metaphor laaa...
baby you are the juice..
sweet sweet juice..
and the squeeze is everything i do to get to you..
all the times i fall..
every scrape on my knee..
every cut upon my arms and face..
all the pain is worth..

because i love you..
and i know you love me too..
together..
we will see that you do..

i-iv-iii

chapter forty four: geng jahat, faithful outsider and happily ever after

2009-03-07T13:55:00.005+08:00

bestfriends...
everyone seems to have them..
me??
im not soo lucky..
but i do have dear friends..
hommies..
essays..
brothers..
whatever you wanna call them..
i have afew..

my very own cheermyister..
yesyes you are hot i admit..
but hey!! we make the other look good..
*supernicious grin*

an irritating but undeniably adorable teaser..
how is it that we alwaes end up physically hurting each other..
but have fun at the same time??
and you call me sick..
pfft..

my old apprentice smoovie..
you have gone out and found your own wae..
i bow before you..

then, there is the mad cap tagteam duo of stranger and deadfamous..
we either laugh together or laugh at each other..
for all the pranks and sick jokes.. i still love you both..

ouhouh..
and i have this one friend..
super awesome friend..
but its wierd that we are even considered friends..
being that we have never met..
and prolly never will..
but i love her all the same..
her name is hyshah..
my trusted outsider..

and then there is you..
there alwaes is you..
alwaes have been..
alwaes will be..
everydae i love you more..
because you hold the smile that i adore..

point-blank-period

chapter forty three: if the juice is worth the squeeze

2009-03-03T14:36:00.002+08:00

baby v..
ive never been soo happy..
everything is going great..
and it doesnt take as much effort to remain this wae..

holidaes just kicked in..
i have nothing to do but to train..
and train i will..
meet my friends..
meet her..
laugh with my friends..
laugh with her..
laugh AT her.. (right shafiqi?? *snorts*)

life is wonderful..
through all the hustle and flows..
you have to remember..
the purpose of every action..
and you have to know..
if the juice is worth the squeeze..

and to me..
you are worth every drop..

i love you

chapter forty two: me and them

2009-02-27T00:34:00.002+08:00

do i look like a low life wanna be gangster to you??
there are three important things that set me apart form these..
things..

one!!
i have better fashion sense.. way better..
i dont dress the same as everyone else..
i dont wear jeans that are too tight around my ankles..
and i dont sit my caps on the crown of my head..

two!!
i actually have a sense of respect for others..
those of the female gender especially..
i dont hit them..
i dont pretend to love them..
and i definately dont abuse them..
financially nor physically..

three!!
i own a blog..
and you dont even know what to do with one..
all you fucktarts care about is how to find girls..
girls as cheap as you..
a taint in the society..

chapter forty one: shit happens.. deal with it

2009-02-25T01:39:00.004+08:00

what the hell is going on with this thing??
haiz..
forget it..
i'll do what i can with it..

ok so todae has been awesome..
exam was a breeze..
or so i think..
and i got to train..
learned new stuff..
hopes grew..

cheermyister, dont worry ayite..
shit will be fine..
i promise you..
everything will be alright..

ouhouh..
andand you messaged me first todae..
though it was to ask for help regarding your school work..
still...
it made me smile..
do you see the effect you have on me??
nyahaha..
oh god im crazy..
but im lovin' it...

p.s. i still do

chapter forty: hustle and flow

2009-02-24T00:32:00.002+08:00

the only thing that keeps me up
when im feeling down..
is a shorty like mine..

why must everyone intervene??
why must anyone do it in the first place
just go away ok??
leave us be..
please..

judge not that which is unknown..
form not false impressions on little knowledge..
speak not of profanities..
trust not words of doubt..
be not too critical..

so what if i look like one..
does it mean i am it??
i admit i am a little too friendly to other girls..
but doubt not in my heart..
only you can fill the huge space in my tiny heart..
only you
because i love you..
not because i have to..
but because i just do..

everytime, i think of you..
wondering if you think of me too..

chapter thirty nine: sitting ducks

2009-02-22T23:40:00.003+08:00

oh god!!
im fucking screwed!!
tomorrow is my first exam paper..
and i just found out..
ive not even started studying..
im done..
damn!!

but hey..
apart from that hiccup in my dae..
im all good...
couldnt ask for a better dae than todae...
it was perfect...

you are perfect love..
dont let others tell you different..

forever..
i-iv-iii

chapter thirty eight: more than words

2009-02-18T12:36:00.003+08:00

Saying 'I Love you' is not the words I want to hear from you
It's not that I want you not to say
But if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do
To make it real then you wouldn't have to say
That you love me
I'd already know
What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you
More than words
More than words
Now I've tried to talk to you
And make you understand all you have to do is close your eyes and just reach out your hands
And touch me hold me close
Don't ever let me go
More than words is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn't have to say
That you love 'cause
I already know

ok so it's established that that my original..
its a song by frankie j..
but hey..
im just saying what im feeling..
and baby..
i do love you..
more than you'd ever noe..
cause i have a funny wae of showing it..

todae i feel very strong..
because todae..
i have been weak..
in the eyes of our culture..
i am to be seen as weak, todae..
but i noe my insides better than anyone else..
i am supreme todae..
i miss my cousin
and i love you..
these two feelings put together..
the tension of opposite feelings..
makes me whole..
balanced..
kinda like yin and yang thing..
one cannot survive while the other thrives..

ouh
and just so you noe..
(this is to readers out there)
missing does not equal love..
missing is this empty feeling
loveing.. makes you whole..
yet they co-exist in perfect harmony..
each maintains yet sustaining the other..
beautiful aint it??

prayer: bean (my first love) i miss you bro.. yet i hate you for going to a better place..
what?? my love aint enough that you had to go back to god's?? i miss you.. too much todae..
rest in peace.. i love you..

to you: hey.. *smiles* i-iv-iii

chapter thirty seven: shithead

2009-02-17T00:11:00.002+08:00

im messing up again..
oh god..
what am i doing..
im re-running the same damn course..
the one that leads me to internal hell!!

i have to stop..
now!!
this is stupid..

remember what you want..
and you ought to do well remembering..
IT IS WHAT YOU FUCKING HELL WANT FOR CHRIST SAKE!!
GET A FUCKING GRIP FUCKTART!!

aahhhh..
i feel better now..
beating myself up does wonders for me..

well then..
that would be all..

till we meet..
i love you

poetry in motion: teardrop

2009-02-12T11:16:00.003+08:00

i wish i could call you in the dark of night
just to hear the sleep in your voice
to hear you speak with eyes squeezed tight

i wish i could text you a message
just to tell you how much i love you
to tell you that i really do

i wish i didnt have tears in my eyes,
every night i lay awake thinking of you
but im not telling
because i know you dont want me to

i wish i didnt have sorrow in my throat
everytime i speak it burns deep
seeming to implode

i wish i had strength to stand on my own two feet
but i dont
i am nothing
i am weak

i wish i didnt write sad poems
nor to ever dream them in sleep
i wish never for this hollow to creep
not my wings be clipped

i wish i have you in the deep of nights
to hold back my tears
to hold my hand as i brace my fears
to always hold you here
always hold you near

i wish i didnt have tears stain my cheek
though i never lost you
why does it feel like i already do??

chapter thirty six: sweet valentine

2009-02-12T01:08:00.002+08:00

be my valentine??

i love you soo much..
i love you that it beats from my heart through my eyes..
*shrugs*

im hopeless..
i admit it..
falling soo deep like this..
but hey!!
its my choice..
so i aint complaining..
cause i love this..
really..
i do..

you are worth everything i have
everything i had
and everything i can be..
i love you..
for sure

poetry in motion: little miss c.

2009-02-08T20:19:00.002+08:00

every night i lay awake
my mind bent, on thinking of you
falling asleep, forever it seems to take..

a secret smile,
remembering how your cheeks rise everytime you let a smile..
the sheen of gloss
adding sparkle in your baby hazels..
your rose dabbed freckeled cheeks
your soft curved chin
hightening your quiet dimples..

every night i lay awake thinking of you
wondering if you think of me too..

chapter thirty five: and the point is??

2009-02-08T02:49:00.003+08:00

hmm..
life is so soooo hard..
so what!!
get a grip yo..

i love my hair..
not the condition it is in..
that part still kinda suck...
but i love the color..
and the length..
the glorious length..
i can do brads now..
it aint perfect yet..
but its enough to satisfy me..
just a few more months and its perfect..

jeez..
do you realize how much i miss you??
too much you'd sae..
well..
maybe you are right..
i am alittle obsessed..
but i cant help it...
i'll try to control my emotions better..
i-iv-iii

chapter thirty five: epiphany

2009-02-05T23:08:00.003+08:00

i want to run into a wall
now dont get me wrong..
dont start judging me just yet..
im not having problems or anything..
i just wanna noe what it feels like..

imagine..
pornstar plus solid brick wall multiply that with my full running speed..
that would equal to..

A HELL LOT OF PAIN!!

woohoo!!
i like it..

*epiphany*
i am a MASOCHIST

i live for this..
to feel hurt..
and love it..
i cannot explain the gratification..
i just love love loooooove it!!

that explains the cutting now dont it??
all the falling down..
dislocations..
internal tears..
bleeding..
bruising..
soo many of them..
soo often too..

thank you god..
for blessing me with this knowledge of deeper self..
i humbly bow to you..
i am nothing without your grace..

now if you want to judge me..
be my guest..
call me sick..
heck..
im just me..

chapter thirty four: say a little prayer

2009-02-03T14:01:00.004+08:00

hey bean!!
guess what..
im 20 now
and you aint ever gonna be!!
hah!!

haiz..
bean..
i miss you soo much..
why did you have to go like that..
come back to me..
i love you..
i should have said this to you..
but im guessing you already knew right??
you alwaes knew stuff..

bean..
i love you..
and im alwaes missing you..
till we meet again dear cuz..
rest in peace

chapter thirty three: you = kryptonite

2009-02-02T23:05:00.003+08:00

chinggay was good...
made awesome new friends....
i wont forget you girls..
wait..
i just realized...
all of you are girls...
i made friends with 9 girls..
and not realize it..
christ..
i really have gotten over it...
my fasination and obsession over the opposite sex...

yessa!!
i did it...
i never thought i could..
but i have...
i have no need for girls anymore...
and i can concentrate better on the ONE that matters..

actually..
to put it right..
i didnt really have a need for girls..
not since i met you anywae..
what i meant was..
i could make friends without seeming like im flirting..
though i seldom flirt..
people seem to think i alwaes do..
wierdos....

city alive was kinda dead..
the first part of it all was good..
well...
ok-ok laa..
then towards the end..
it started getting crappy..
hip-hop fused with house music..
just messed up the whole bloody thing..

the wait after the party was the real damned part of the night though..
i had to wait hours for the first train service..
and that was the first time i lost my cool since i started doing my meditation..
i must have more practice with this thing..
self control and all..

you wanna noe sunthing??
sumtimes i feel like you love me right back..
other times...
i feel the very opposite..
i love you the same either waes..
dont be so hard on me ok..
i am only soo weak..

chapter thirty two: love story

2009-01-29T01:34:00.003+08:00

LIFE
it seems revolves around a singular pivot point..
one single do or die instance..
one chance..
to seize life by the horns..
and let the moment wash over your very existence..
to give you a purpose..
a life of self worth..
a life of purpose is the purpose of life in itself..

or..
you could let the moment pass..
and wish all your life the moment to come by again..
though knowing it never will..
to forever continue your search..
for an answer that is never known even the question..
a life of meaning, to forever be searching but never finding..

god is fair this wae..
destiny is set in the path you choose to take..
the future is never written in stone..
but written by one's own..

my story is told as it unfolds..
but one is certain..
no matter how foolish others may think i be..
i have found my point of pivot..
my anchor to solid ground..
my reach within the stars..
i have found you..
waiting for you to hold my hand..
so forever can begin..

chapter thirty one: whoo!!

2009-01-27T23:47:00.003+08:00

phew!!
what a dae...
what a week rather...

so i went to malaysia over the weekend..
a family holidae of sorts...
though i never wanted to...
i was a little glad i went along..

i had the chance to see a fairly decent beach in malaysia..
the sand was nice...
powdery...
though not white as the one in bintan..
it was nice..
and the sands stretched afew clicks to the side
and foward before meeting the ocean..
it seemed to alwaes be low tide there...
wierd...
but the sea seemed to be endless...
unlike in singapore..
i could see the edge of the horizon without seeing a bloody ship in my view..

there was one set back though...
i didnt get to see any stars...
there were afew strays...
but never the millions that i expected...
damn overcast clouds..
i didnt even see "sha"
and i couldnt see "sirus" either..
not even "orion's belt"..
major set back if i might correct myself...

but all in all..
it was a good trip...
me and father got people gawking in disbelief again...
hah...
the old fools...
so backward in their minds and concepts...
father..
we break all boundaries dont we??
with the flow of our conversations alone..
people stare and start questioning...
im proud to call you my dad..
*whoo*

well im happy todae..
i got soo many things that i want oreadi..
a diamond studded marc ecko watch being one if them...
turning twenty suddenly seems soo good!!

chapter thirty: Heart of The Rose

2009-01-23T00:26:00.002+08:00

*smiles quietly to self*
you noe, evil dude.. i really have to thank you..
for you have opened my eyes..
i have started to enjoy life..
and things seem to start turning good..
better at least..
though it is at a slow pace right now..
but slow is good right??
to let things take time to menifest into something good..
thank you..
i owe you one..
big time..
(though i dont noe if you read my blog to hear this)

baby v..
todae i saw one of the most beautiful things in god's nature..
a glimpse of his brilliance..
todae..
i saw the rays of the sun filtering and breaking through heavy clouds...
it was truly beautiful...
the streaks of bright gray..
it was almost like i could see the layers of the air..

i took in soo much detail todae..
the soft breath of other passengers in the bus i was in..
the details of their skin..
the smell of the grass..
that was lovely if i might add..
the layers of cloud cover..
everything looked soo perfect..
soo right in its place..
todae i too felf my heart beating in my chest..
honestly..
i have never paid too much attention to it..
but i took the time to actually listen to it..
to me..
to my insides..
and it is the most undisputed sound i have ever heard..
nothing compares to this..
i felt my insides lifting..
everything felt warm and light..
like nothing could go wrong..

baby v..
i love this feeling..
i love her..
unknowing to her..
she continues to inspire me..
i dont noe whats going on..
but honestly..
i dont really wanna noe..
cause this feels soo right, how can it ever be wrong..

<3

chapter twenty nine: answers

2009-01-18T22:11:00.003+08:00

is it safe yet??
hmm...
its been a long time since i talked to you baby v...
im soo sorry...

i didnt mean to keep you out of my life that long...
i have legitimate reasons...
one...
the laptop broke down...
preventing me from getting access to the internet..
two...
i have a new listening ear now...
i've been keeping a diary...
like those old school kinds you noe??
on pen and paper..
well book actually...
that wae i can talk about my most private thoughts...
and feelings...
so no one will noe..
cause baby v..
as much as i love talking to you..
you are just too open..
even complete strangers can listen in on us..
somtimes that gets way too creepy...
but i wont forsake you..
i promise...
and that was the third reason included..

baby v..
my life is messed up right now...
maybe that evil dude is right..
he saes that i think wae too much about things..
i over think it..
making things more impossible than they really are..
maybe he is right...
maybe i am over thinking it...
but you get what im thinking right??
you see the reason for my erratic behaviour.. right??

baby v...
i have gotten to a point where my whole world revolves around her..
each decision i make..
she will somehow influence it..
directly or indirectly...

baby v...
i noe im trying too hard sometimes...
but i just cant help not trying..
you noe??

baby v...
im lost and soo confused..
because everydae i hope to make her part of my life..
i dont noe what to do...
i want answers...
but im scared to hear them..

baby v...
i guess the evil dude is right again..
im gonna wait...
since i want to...
it wont be a problem...
how long it takes..
im just gonna wait...
because i can..
and i am willing to..
because i still love you..

chapter twenty eight: suicide

2009-01-15T15:38:00.003+08:00

hi world..
i noe everybody has stopped reading my blog..
some how..
i feel this is a good thing..
ive alwaes wanted all of you to go away..

the world is a huge fucking bitch aint it..
the only constant that can ever be is change..
the irony..

so from all of us who dont want everything to change..
no wait..
scrap that thought...
i dont give a fuck about speaking up for anybody anymore..
from me.. and me ALONE..

FUCK YOU WORLD!!

p.s. i hate you

chapter twenty seven: obsessions and confessions

2008-12-20T17:38:00.003+08:00

i soo wanna go out..
i wanna see you and hold you..
actually looking at you would be enough..
to hold your eyes.. just inches from mine...
that would be my heaven..
have i told you that you have amazing eyes??

no one is perfect..
yes..
you are right..
but to me you are close to it..

well..
my judgement may be very well biased..
but..
there just cant be anyone else..
especially not ''i-i''..
please..
forgive me for that one mistake..

1-4-3

chapter twenty six: wheels of change

2008-12-20T02:01:00.003+08:00

the wheels of change are set in motion..
and for now..
things seem not to be spinning my wae..
but all change is good right??
we supposed to see it in possitive light..
right love??

change is inevitable..
the only constant in the world is change..
embrace change..
for it came with the intention of better-ing us..

if all this is true..
why is it still soo hard at times to accept..
why do i continue to fight..
to start another chain of changes..
to alter the course that has been set in play..
why??

maybe i am too stuborn to simply sit and follow what i've been told..
maybe the only wae i learn is when i fall face down..
by which it is already too late..
as usual..

chapter twenty five: holding back

2008-12-09T13:25:00.003+08:00

trust is such a frail but powerful force..
abused just one time too many...
i have trusted all..
but it seems i must practise restrain now..
for now..
i trust no one...
none from the outside world..
hate me if you may..
for i could care less....
i have said it..
and it shall be done..
till i find fit..
none of your eyes i shall meet...
i am alone in the dark..
and you see nothing of me...
so please..
stop your words of hate..
for i do you no wrong...
if i did..
best believe i intended no such evil...
i m sorry..

chapter twenty four: curtain calls

2008-12-06T01:20:00.006+08:00

baby v..
i am such a dick..
what is wrong with me..

is it that time for me oreadi??
so soon??
why?!
why now....
why ever!!

i have made soo many promises..
and broken most of them...
the only one i havent..
is my habit of slashing...
i wont break that one...
that im certain...

i need a do over..
desperately...
with myself in priority..
i need to change my ways...
i hate the life im living now...
i hate being alive...
i have to wake up from this nightmare..
now..

30 day evaluation test:
"boy..
the last time you said you would change..
you actually did...
you changed..
FOR WORSE!!
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!!
I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO BE A BETTER PERSON!!
ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE EVERYONE RIGHT??
THAT YOU ARE JUST ALL TALK AND NO GO..
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU..
WHEN EVERYTHING TURNS BAD..
IT IS ALL ON YOU..
I TRIED SHOWING YOU THE GUIDED PATH..
YOU JUST WONT LISTEN..
REFUSED TO LISTEN..
YOU LET YOUR BALLS THINK FOR YOU DIDNT YOU??
you FUCKING IDIOT!!